The Journey is what brings us happiness…not the destination. That’s not always true now, isn’t it? What do you do when you’re not content with the way your life is going? Many think of suicidal acts to end it quick. There are many times when I want to just end it so I won’t suffer anymore. It’s my own life, its not going well. It’s only filled with pain and misery. I’m not happy with myself sometimes, because i find myself not being myself. I’m not as happy as I use to be. I’m not as lively as I use to be. I don’t smile as often as I use to be… I’m not me…
Who am I? What have I turned into? There are so many questions that I ask myself every minute of my life. Why am I still living it? Why do I let myself get so low? I am again at my low point. I feel really miserable about how I am, what I turned into, what I’ve gotten myself into… I’m trying my thoughts out because I can’t express it. I’m scared of what I’ll do if I was to express my emotional. I’ve had various melt downs. Where my life was worthless and I’m meaningless, no caring what would happen to me. I didn’t care if death took me now, but for some reasons he hasn’t came knocking.
I hide from all my sorrow. I keep everything in, it hurts that I know I my happiness is eminent. When I have no more tears to cry, I put myself to deep sleep… How I do that you ask? That’s something I can’t share… Right now my journey is not bringing me happiness but rather more sorrow and pain.
I’m troubled by my problems in life, something that I cannot fix… I walk with my head down through the road, as I live my life… I know not what will come ahead on this path… but I just don’t want to see what’s there for it’ll only be more misery for me to suffer…
12/05
We all have a choice in life. We chose every move because in every move there are consequences. In that process of thinking we think. You can’t believe how much we think about every day. Some of us are conscientious about everything. Our verbal expression, gestures, and anything we do. Our actions will always affect others. I’m living two different lives at the same time and it’s eating me up inside. One I’m force to live and can’t seem to get out. The other appears to be too real, where I can escape and be me.
I never thought I’d get into something like this when I was young. I should have listened; I should have chosen my studies first. Why did I let things drag on? Why is everything happening to me?
I sit alone in my room and I looked around. My room never felt so empty. I realized how empty I was. I felt as of those who lay in rest. No feeling what’s so ever. Only one thing I felt though, a feeling of loneliness and sorrow. My heart became heavy and painful. I’m carrying so much on my chest and I see there’s only one way I can fix it all. I want to end it all in a blink; I don’t want to deal with it anymore. As my days go on, I grow more and more unhappy. I can’t hide my emotions easily like others can. My face expression will show I truly feel. My actions will scare those around me. I count my days…
I am unhappy. I don’t search for it, it finds me. I don’t ask to stay, I have to. No matter how hard I try to get away, how much effort and strength I’m still in the whole. The whole I’ve dug and can’t get out of it. I feel far away from everything I want to be. I feel neither joy nor happiness, but the sorrow in this life I can’t get out of.
“When God closes the door, he opens a window.” I’m looking through the window and I see myself being happy and doing things I enjoy to do, but I am chained and can’t get out. I am chained by my conscience and my coward ness.
Why do you ask? I tried. I got out of the window and found happiness with everything around me. I found peace and joy. I found me, the old me… I found myself once again, I was happy. I’m not talking about money, fame, or lust. I’m talking about what I enjoy to do back then. Singing, writing songs, playing tennis, tending my family, being kind to others and more that I was then. Am I being selfish? I guess you can say that. If you were in my place you might do the same. Nobody wants to be unhappy. Like any dream, it didn’t last long and back to reality. I mope and frown, I didn’t enjoy every second of my life. I pity myself. I didn’t believe in happiness. I lived my life in secrets and lies… My heart is filled with hate and misery. There’s no place where I can be me.
I’m getting more and sicker because of this…
“The journey is what brings us happiness… not the destination…” Is this what you call happiness? Maybe you can try living my life and you can tell me…
11/19
